Is There Life After the End of a Long Marriage?
One man's journey to find a new life after the break-up of a marriage of more then 20 years.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Adventures in Paradise
Part 4
It is often said “All good things must come to an end” and “One man’s heaven is another man’s hell”. Living with a Showgirl was kind of like that, from agony to ecstasy and back again. It is anything but a “normal” life and I longed for that remembered stability that a normal relationship represented.
After our initial split, (which incidentally was her idea), my ex played the “I don’t know what I want game” and bounced back and forth between my and her lover’s beds. This went on for a few months and drove both her lover and I crazy. He found us together once and repeatedly banged his head on the canopy of his truck in expression of his angst. I likewise, had similar moments, (though not physically self-abusive), when the situation was reversed. I might still be caught in that twisted triangle if I hadn’t mustered the courage to end it.
I had to start my life over again, but where, and how? I decided that the relatively small town that we lived in, (population; 190,000), was too full of memories of our past life together. Besides that, I saw her and/or her boyfriend driving in their cars or at our favorite restaurants at least two or three times a week. I had to get the hell out of Dodge to maintain some semblance of sanity. I decided that it wasn’t enough to just move to another city or another state. I opted for a totally new country. So I asked myself… Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world that you wanted to?
Scouting the Choices
As a kid I was perpetually intrigued with Tales of the South Pacific. Robinson Crusoe, Hawaii, Adventures in Paradise, Swiss Family Robinson, Mutiny on the Bounty, and Tom Neale’s, An Island to Myself. Before our separation my wife and I had traveled together to Hawaii and Tahiti, and I had taken my son on a diving trip to Fiji when he was 13. These were but a few of the thousands of islands I had to choose from in the vast Pacific. So I set out on a voyage of discovery. Like Captain Cook before me I would chart my course and begin my adventure.
My quest was now two-fold. I would find my island paradise, and as I knew myself well enough to know that I needed a female partner to share my life, find a suitable first mate.
I started out by using the Internet and books to research every island, atoll and archipelago in the Pacific I could find. I had multi-colored stickpins stuck all over my globe. I voraciously consumed every bit of information that I could; location, land mass, major cities and towns, population, major imports and exports, primary industries, forms of government, and immigration laws. It would do no good to find paradise if I wouldn’t be allowed to stay. Some, like Tahiti, had strict immigration laws, and besides that, a very high cost of living. The cost of living seemed to be directly proportional to the level of developed tourism. The more tourists, the higher jobs paid and the higher the cost of living! If I was going to “get away from it all”, I could probably rule out the most popular destinations like, Hawaii, Tahiti, and perhaps even Fiji.
While surfing the net I came across a website for Polynesian Airlines, (the official airline of Western Samoa). They offered something they called a “Poly-Pass”. This was an airline ticket for unlimited travel throughout the Pacific. The ticket granted its holder 45 days to explore the islands with one in and out of Australia and New Zealand thrown in for good measure. The price was a very reasonable $999.00 U.S. dollars. Just reading the itinerary that I had laid out gave me a thrill. These were all the exotic locations that I had only read about as a child.
Departure
My ex was strangely excited as I told her of my plans. I believe that she was relieved. I had made the choice for her. I expected some sense of sadness from her, but there was none. (Maybe I hoped there would be). We had lost that spark that we once had between us, never to regain it. It reminded me of when she gave birth to my son. At the time, I thought no two people could be more in love and surely we would grow old and be together always.
As the day of my initial flight to Hawaii approached I was enveloped in mixed emotions. I was excited and melancholy all at the same time. I was leaving the familiar confines of the town that I grew up in and, except for my four years of naval service, had spent the majority of my life. I was also leaving my son behind, now grown and living on his own for destinations thousands of miles from what I knew. I had my packing done and my passport, airline tickets and necessary visas were ready for my departure.
The day of my departure was typical for autumn in the Northwest, rainy, cold and shrouded in dark ominous clouds. Thoughts raced through my mind… what the hell are you doing? I fought off the feeling and forged ahead. The next several hours were something of a blur. I still can’t tell you who gave me the ride to the airport, or who, if anybody saw me off. I like to think that it was my son and that we both had tears in our eyes as I boarded my flight. For some reason I honestly don’t remember. Perhaps it’s just too painful to recall.
It is often said “All good things must come to an end” and “One man’s heaven is another man’s hell”. Living with a Showgirl was kind of like that, from agony to ecstasy and back again. It is anything but a “normal” life and I longed for that remembered stability that a normal relationship represented.
After our initial split, (which incidentally was her idea), my ex played the “I don’t know what I want game” and bounced back and forth between my and her lover’s beds. This went on for a few months and drove both her lover and I crazy. He found us together once and repeatedly banged his head on the canopy of his truck in expression of his angst. I likewise, had similar moments, (though not physically self-abusive), when the situation was reversed. I might still be caught in that twisted triangle if I hadn’t mustered the courage to end it.
I had to start my life over again, but where, and how? I decided that the relatively small town that we lived in, (population; 190,000), was too full of memories of our past life together. Besides that, I saw her and/or her boyfriend driving in their cars or at our favorite restaurants at least two or three times a week. I had to get the hell out of Dodge to maintain some semblance of sanity. I decided that it wasn’t enough to just move to another city or another state. I opted for a totally new country. So I asked myself… Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world that you wanted to?
Scouting the Choices
As a kid I was perpetually intrigued with Tales of the South Pacific. Robinson Crusoe, Hawaii, Adventures in Paradise, Swiss Family Robinson, Mutiny on the Bounty, and Tom Neale’s, An Island to Myself. Before our separation my wife and I had traveled together to Hawaii and Tahiti, and I had taken my son on a diving trip to Fiji when he was 13. These were but a few of the thousands of islands I had to choose from in the vast Pacific. So I set out on a voyage of discovery. Like Captain Cook before me I would chart my course and begin my adventure.
My quest was now two-fold. I would find my island paradise, and as I knew myself well enough to know that I needed a female partner to share my life, find a suitable first mate.
I started out by using the Internet and books to research every island, atoll and archipelago in the Pacific I could find. I had multi-colored stickpins stuck all over my globe. I voraciously consumed every bit of information that I could; location, land mass, major cities and towns, population, major imports and exports, primary industries, forms of government, and immigration laws. It would do no good to find paradise if I wouldn’t be allowed to stay. Some, like Tahiti, had strict immigration laws, and besides that, a very high cost of living. The cost of living seemed to be directly proportional to the level of developed tourism. The more tourists, the higher jobs paid and the higher the cost of living! If I was going to “get away from it all”, I could probably rule out the most popular destinations like, Hawaii, Tahiti, and perhaps even Fiji.
While surfing the net I came across a website for Polynesian Airlines, (the official airline of Western Samoa). They offered something they called a “Poly-Pass”. This was an airline ticket for unlimited travel throughout the Pacific. The ticket granted its holder 45 days to explore the islands with one in and out of Australia and New Zealand thrown in for good measure. The price was a very reasonable $999.00 U.S. dollars. Just reading the itinerary that I had laid out gave me a thrill. These were all the exotic locations that I had only read about as a child.
Departure
My ex was strangely excited as I told her of my plans. I believe that she was relieved. I had made the choice for her. I expected some sense of sadness from her, but there was none. (Maybe I hoped there would be). We had lost that spark that we once had between us, never to regain it. It reminded me of when she gave birth to my son. At the time, I thought no two people could be more in love and surely we would grow old and be together always.
As the day of my initial flight to Hawaii approached I was enveloped in mixed emotions. I was excited and melancholy all at the same time. I was leaving the familiar confines of the town that I grew up in and, except for my four years of naval service, had spent the majority of my life. I was also leaving my son behind, now grown and living on his own for destinations thousands of miles from what I knew. I had my packing done and my passport, airline tickets and necessary visas were ready for my departure.
The day of my departure was typical for autumn in the Northwest, rainy, cold and shrouded in dark ominous clouds. Thoughts raced through my mind… what the hell are you doing? I fought off the feeling and forged ahead. The next several hours were something of a blur. I still can’t tell you who gave me the ride to the airport, or who, if anybody saw me off. I like to think that it was my son and that we both had tears in our eyes as I boarded my flight. For some reason I honestly don’t remember. Perhaps it’s just too painful to recall.
D.A. Wright, 4:07 AM
1 Comments:
I feel both your pain, although I'm much younger than you are, and my relationship that just ended was only two years.
